S**t my dad says

I was just thinking about all the things my dad says to me and how he sometimes reminds me of Justin’s dad. Justin, you may not know, is a guy on Twitter who tweets things his dad says once a day. My dad is not vulgar like Justin’s dad and not always as funny, but he has his moments. These are just a few from memory.

I was arguing with him over staying at my friend Molly’s for the night and it had been going for about ten minutes. “Megan, you will make a great attorney one day. But not today. You know who is a great attorney today? I am. And my great attorney skills paid for your bed, which you will be sleeping in tonight. As opposed to on Molly’s dad’s couch.”

I claimed that Ricky, my cat, can tell time because he wants dinner at the same time every night. “Your cat thinks that mice are pink and have a ‘Made in Korea’ tag attached to their butts. I doubt he’s reading the clock on the microwave.”

“If you want to ignore my calls then two things better happen: start paying your own cell phone bill and get elected President. Because it will take the existence of both those circumstances to justify not answering the phone when I call. ‘Hey dad, I’ve got a terrorist situation here’ Good, that works. ‘Hey dad, I was busy talking to Amy about shoe colors.’ Not so much.”

I don’t like mushrooms in part because they grow in the ground. “The mushroom grew in the exact same ground as the potato that was used to make the fries you ate for lunch. Cows will take a dump on either, their bowl movements do not take your culinary interests into account.”

My recent post about mall curfews was preceded with a long rant about same while my dad was here taking care of me while I was sick. “Megan, I know you are passionate about this but the weight of the world’s problems is hardly affected by the fact that some brats aren’t allowed to hang out at Hot Dog on a Stick.”

Dad: “Is this some sort of Kim Possible marathon?”
Me: “Yes”
Dad: “Will Payton Manning be appearing in any episodes?”
Me: “I don’t think so.”
Dad: “That’s too bad. I know exactly where to find him, though. Give me the remote.”

“So is that Edward vampire kid that pale because he is a vampire or is he a vegan? Because vegan vampire seems to be a contradiction.”

“Honey, we’re Irish Catholic. You’ll have plenty of years of beer and wine enjoyment to come, but in your 16 years you have not yet accumulated enough misery and pain to make for a legitimate drunken Irish diatribe. Don’t worry, though, it will happen.”

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