More s**t my dad says

I wrote one of these probably a year ago. Since then, like Justin on Twitter, I have written down some of the more interesting things my dad, who I think can be just as funny as Justin’s dad, says.

(Talking to my step-mom) “When the baby pulls the cat’s tail, he gets mad. He doesn’t know she is a baby. He thinks she’s a hairless cat that doesn’t know how to use the litter box. Right now he’s wondering why you never wipe his a**.”

“Sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with a little experimentation in college. Beakers, test tubes, throwing pumpkins off buildings…all that crap. Have at it.”

“I don’t see gay marriages as working. The foundation of our marriage is that Cathy decorates the house, I don’t have a say in how, and I don’t care. When that dynamic is lost, you have instability.”

“Megan, I wish you wouldn’t sit in your school library and use Google. I don’t feel like I’m getting my dollar’s worth. At least Google the Dewey Decimal System.”

Last year, I explained our residence hall visitation hours for boys.
“Midnight? Why are men allowed in the dorm after, say, 10:00?”
Me: “Studying!”
Dad: “Studying what, the mating habits of the North American college co-ed?”

“Do you like your new iPhone?”
Me: “Yes! I can read both my Xanga and Twitter on it.”
Dad: “Thank God for that.”
Me: “Dad, is that sarcasm?”
Dad: “No, not at all, those are splendid ways to waste time.”

(I was watching iCarly)
“Why do these Nickelodeon shows have so few adults, and the few adults they show are complete idiots?”
Me: “It’s reality TV, dad.”
Dad: “Touche.”
(A minute passes) “Go clean your room.”

“Your cat is coughing up too many hairballs, I’m going to get him shaved.”
Me: “Daddy, you can’t! He needs his fur!”
Dad: “Megan, he never leaves the house. He has neither weather nor the mocking stares of neighborhood cats to worry about.”

“Mary has been telling me ‘no!’ all day. You know what it is? It’s that mouthy E-Trade baby. Freaking television.” (Turns off TV)

“I better not see you text messaging in Mass again or I will turn you over to the Amish. You will be writing “kthxbye” by candlelight, using a quill.”

“Megan, you need to speed up when entering the highway. It’s like you’re Morgan Freeman and you’re trying to drive me to the store.”

“I understand that, at school, there are no responsible people monitoring your eating habits but you’re back in civilized society for the summer and in civilized society we eat tomatoes in non-pizza sauce form.”


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